Recent Columns
Autographed books from
Canadian Author Series
Contact William

Back to columns page

Exactly how bad is the economy? Bad

The economy is bad. You hear that a lot these days. The job market is down, mortgages are not rebounding and consumer confidence is waning. Paris Hilton hasn't purchased a diamond-studded collar for one of her dogs since June.

The stock market is killing us. One day it's down, next day it's way down, then up, down, up. It's like trying to keep track of George Michael's zipper on a Sunday morning in the park.

The price of gasoline is up, but the cost of a barrel of oil is down, gold goes up, financials go down. Commodities go down, pork belly futures get slaughtered. It's painful, like watching a drunk dance his way through Royal Doulton's showcase window.

So exactly how bad is the economy? Financial experts in Washington (OXYMORON ALERT!) claim that although we are experiencing 'Mickey Rooney growth' while fighting off a 'Patsy Cline decline,'it is nowhere near the 'badder than a junkyard dog' setback predicted by Leroy Brown. Yes, the economy is so bad the experts are running out of doomsday clichés to describe it.

Seriously, dabbling in the stock market these days is so dicey even The Wealthy Barber took a haircut.

Perhaps Jay Leno said it best: "Finally some good news - the price of gas is going down. They say it could be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have and see the bank where you used to have money. It's the trifecta of recession!" Trust a guy who makes $32 million a year to go to bat for the little guy.

Yes, the economy is bad. But how bad?

. The economy is so bad I saw a stray dog sitting on the sidewalk of a busy street with a sign that read: "Wil werk for fud."

. The economy is so bad Canadian banks are installing ATMs on the back of ATVs.

. The economy is so bad the youngest of the Kardashian girls may have to live with natural breasts.

. The economy is so bad the Stopwatch Gang just robbed a food bank.

. The economy is so bad Madonna has started adopting American kids.

. The economy is so bad the Annual Conference of U.S. Central Bankers in Wyoming was held . not making this up . at Jackson Hole.

. The economy is so bad libraries are now accepting canned goods as payment for overdue book fines.

. The economy is so bad even white collar crime is down.

. The economy is so bad the New York Yankees announced that unless things improve they will not be able to buy another World Series until the 2013/2014 season.

. The economy is so bad U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was photographed balancing his cheque book on his forehead just as he went over Niagara Falls.

. The economy is so bad, in a desperate attempt to get the money markets moving, Washington has decriminalized Ponzi schemes.

. The economy is so bad, the U.S. government has announced major military funding cuts by promising to invade 40% less countries next year.

. The economy is so bad that Canadian Finance Minister Jim Flaherty now admits that when he characterized our situation as being "robust" and "growing" he had his fingers crossed behind his back.

. The economy is so bad U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner claims his job is a lot easier now that there's no money in the treasury.

. The economy is so bad, before they could attend a meeting of the world's eight richest countries, the Americans had to get through the qualifying round.

. The economy is so bad last night's top contenders on television's The Biggest Loser were Greece and Spain.

. The world economy is so bad, yesterday the Euro achieved par with Canadian Tire money.

. The economy is so bad President Obama ordered the Department of Agriculture to conduct a space station experiment to see if money really can grow on trees.

. The economy is so bad, China which is holding a $1.2 trillion U.S. I.O.U. is threatening to send a guy named Vinnie WeiWei over to break America's legs.

. The economy is so bad Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's new austerity program targeting women is called: "Buy One, Get One Free."

. The economy is so bad major American newspapers have suspended publishing for six months and are donating the paper to the U.S. Mint.

. The economy is so bad Standard and Poor's have downgraded 'Two And A Half Men' to 'One Guy And That Kid From Look Who's Talking.'

. The economy is so bad the Canada Pension Plan is now sending seniors post-dated cheques.

. The economy is so bad when the feds announced a double-chip recession, Mike trampled Molly in a race to Haagen-Dazs.

. The economy is so bad Conrad Black had to put his prison butler on part-time hours.

. The economy is so bad Rupert Murdoch's newspaper reporters are only hacking into phones with free long distance charges.

. The economy is so bad Bill and Melinda Gates will be holding a lawn sale Saturday, September 10 at 8. No, not 7. Not 7:30. 8:00 a.m.